G4alien's 365 & 1/4 的生活空間

As usual, nightmare is like my daily tour and is evitable, no matter whether I'd like to have or not. I often taunt myself as a haunted person. My friends know that I have been suffering from nightmare issues, which take place over a decade. Sometimes I wrote down my nightmare as a play script, and sometimes I wrote it down as a kind of prophecy, which is related to people I am familiar with. I hardly dream of friends or relatives. Most of faces I met in my dreams are strangers or the dead who do not have a whole or complete body structure. The dead in the dream I met are often have rotten parts, which seem to be the fetal injure or the cause of the death.

I try to avoid having dreams or reduce my brain activity before sleeping. I manage to escape scary or thrill films in case that those bloody images and cruel killing styles impact in my brain. I also take vitamin B-complex to ease my nerve and reduce the chance of having my brain over active. However, these methods seem ineffectual and ineffective. I also adjust my sleeping pattern and sleeping hours to decrease dreaming possibility. Sometimes sleeping pattern may successfully suppress the frequency level of having dreams, yet it is only temporary. Afterwards, I need to find another method to avoid dreaming or having nightmares.

In one of my dream, there was a male voice telling me why I have been dreaming of nightmares: killing, execution, dead return, slaughter, war, torturing or accidental events. The answer from him is superstitious－I am able to hear the voice. (I would not have a thought of “the chosen one” theory, which sounds like a doomed destiny or a sacred responsibility, and I am not the type of karmic person.) In another words, I am haunted by these nightmares and story narrators. My dream elements are often composed of a narrator, lines and an occasional song. Also, I am not the major role involving in the dream plot, but participate it as an outsider looking at how issue occurs and what is the consequence. Also, every role of my dream has their name, which is regardless of ethnic, cultural, language issue or even the difference between the living and the dead. Some language I could understand and some I can’t. Some English I do not know and may wake up to look into the dictionary to find out what it means.

Last night, I had a strange dream, with hundreds of faces and people (the living and dead one) I didn't meet before, and who are strangers (European and mixed white/Japanese face). Also, I saw dead bodies, which are literal－dead blocks and not the ghost or zombie. The scene is like over 50 dead female bodies/remains that were treated as flat tire throwing away and piling up in dumping ground. The theme song was sung by a man, whom I assume as the narrator of this dream and the lines is as utterance talking to me. The lines of song describe a funny venture with joking tone incorporating with a killing and slaughter theme in a slow move.

The man sings, "If you and I have intimacy, I'll make you happy....." in a one-string fiddle utterance and teasing mood (I can’t remember the whole songs but the melody keeps in my mind.) Once he sings to this line, I see women, dead naked remains, throwing out one by one and piling up here and there. Then the song keeps humming, "…no one ever see my face because I am so convincing and innocent." Upon the description reiterating the lines, I saw the narrator from his neck, his chin, his lip shape, nose and eyes till his forehead. The face-to-face encounter is like a close-up because I can’t see the whole picture of him but only can see him with long hair to shoulder area. It was too close to see the whole person, and he is a mixed white and oriental/Japanese. I saw his eyes sparking which is no where to be naïve. Then, I saw another man who seems to be the narrator’s housekeeper－a white European man aged between 50 to 60 sweeping the drained bodies.

In the dream, the only thing I can be certain is that I am not the woman to be slew. I am just an outsider looking at his behaviour and he managed to express himself towards me even he knew that I am not able to say a word because of my outsider identity. I watched his butchering behaviour like a judge observing one’s assault and battery, received the thoughts in his mind and knew the resourceful support he controlled. Yet, I couldn’t do anything about it but just stare at it, and was forced to accept it. That mixed race man showed me his surname and laughing out loud whilst I tried to remember his long surname, which seem to be from Germany or Switzerland. The spell is veiled and I could barely remember the correct spelling. He is more like a manipulator playing games by killing women. I wouldn't say those dead women are all raped, but with the various scenes shuttling with the killing moment, I saw the images of those women sleeping with that man and being murdered afterwards.

My dreams are always in detail, which are more like the plots of the story. However, as I mentioned in the beginning, it has been haunting me. The end of this dream was diverted since I refused to participate in the rest slaughtering process. I don't want to see more of the dream and don't want to listen to his songs at all. The scene was skipped to a discard toilet with dry blood stain here and there, which looks like an un-used location for several years. The blood stain seems to be clean but failed. Gladly, I forced to wake up and I managed to do it because I was aware that I was having a dream. It is not easy to wake myself up from the dream even I know myself dreaming. Sometimes I would cry and shout to hope someone wake me up because I can't endure more of the following plots. Sometimes I could make it by my own ability, but when I fail to wake myself up, I would keep crying and crying till the noise outside or telephone calls as an external enforcement (or support) to have me return the reality. Thus, it is common for me to wake up with tears and the remaining horror feelings.