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Somehow waking up with deep feelings of sorrow and resentful is complex, yet it is how I felt this midnight. I went to bed early tonight due to little sleep yesterday. Quickly I fell into sleep but was waked up by a loud and serious argument from the neighbour downstairs. I have been very upset with the downstairs since the first day of moving in --- shouting and loud music with strong bass. Asking the hall manager to deal with does not have much change.
In the dream, it was like several plots of film that I watched and participated in some torturing process. I saw a new born baby-girl but her mother never showed up in my dream. Her father was the only person looking after her and taking care of her since she was an infant. Yet, a taboo topic of her and her father is "mother". She does not know why she has no mother and where her mother is. She asked her dad, but what the feedback was "there should be a better thing we could talk about" or "I have no moods talking about this". Her dad was even trying to avoid the term, "mother" or "my wife". Thus, I do not know whether her mother died in delivery or left them when she was born. The impression of her father is a type of serious and strict person who shows little emotion. He seems to be a scientist who wears white rope but not a medical doctor type of temperament. Therefore, she was brought up in a single parenting and authoritarian environment.
The next scene I saw her was about her teenage life, 16 or 17 years old, maybe. She was in the status of depression and hysteric. Her symptoms as I gathered after reviewing this dream are some extreme reactions and crucial behaviours of harming herself mentally and physically. I had no chance to see the reason but saw her shouting at herself in front of a big mirror. She looked so bad as if she was addicted to drugs. Her red eyes, blues on her arms and legs, untidy dress in her appearance, and unstable panicking emotion and the sense of lost influenced my emotion as a joint entity. What I felt her was full of anxiety, frustration, rage; etc., which are all unpleasant and negative emotion. Withholding her emotions, she walked to her father's study/working room. She attempted to provoke her father and asked again, "where is my mother?", "why she left me?", "I don't understand why I can't see her at any point in my life again?" Obviously, it seems to be a common arguing topic between her father and her; also, she was so insistent to figure out a reason and dig out a bomb as the untouchable vital of her father's forbidden topic.
Then, I saw her dad shouting at her, but the voice and sound switched to mute automatically. Therefore, I find no clue to listen to what he shouted about and what he said. Suddenly, the voice and sound returned and tears covered her face. The swollen eye could not even hide of resentment towards her father. She was in short of breath. She saw the mirror and I could detect her thoughts that she intended to hit the mirror and harm her self to express her rage. The way of revenge towards her father was the first feeling I detected.
The next scene was mixed me and her, or let me describe it again, I turned into be her soul and suffered what she was experiencing. The hatred violence was so strong that I was not able to distinguish whether it was really her or me in such a revulsive situation. She hit the big mirror, broke it and then took a harp piece by cutting her wrist slowly without hesitation. Everything happened in front of her father. She/I had an awful sentiment of mixing with joy and disgust from self-harming malevolence. She/I enjoyed seeing her father's shock and made her revenge.
She was sent to a special hospital (I came off her body) to save her life though being alive is not what she wants for her life at all. Her nerve broke down and totally lost her mind by saying repeatedly, "no, no, no… leave me alone… ". Her behaviour proved her insanity. Her face, body and limbs were bleeding and broken pieces were till inset. She laughed out loud on the way to the hospital. Couple of days later, she became a very quiet and timid person in front of her father but her scalp was in a serious damage --- bald with ugly wounds, rashes and scars. She pulled out her hair by a metal clip or pin, which I can not tell what it is. She still has a thin cluster of hair, which she intended to pull out but unsuccessfully, and she kept digging her hair. I can not bear to see further process of her suffering. Still, the dream was continuing and did not let go me.
The next theme was around 7 or 8 years later. Her behaviour seemed to be normal and appeared to be a lovely lady. I do not know how the hospital or mental centre cured her. She turned out to be a very different person. It should be happy, but I felt even worse. Once again, the feeling I sensed from her was put into a mixed feeling of mine and hers. It is more like a joint soul with two separating minds (Me - observing, and She - acting). She was planning to have another suicide, a tragedy to make people feel regretful of saving her life. The plan partially aimed at torturing her father into a deep torment and making him harrow in the process of her action: self- annihilation.
I did not neither finish this dream totally, nor see through the end of her plan. It was such a dreadful frame of mind to go through a person or myself in the dream. Even worse, the dream made me sleepless again and my body gets more tired than ever. My active brain sometimes could drive me in a crazy spinning mode, operating all the time. I can not even find myself a peaceful moment to have a break in my subconscious world.
In the dream, it was like several plots of film that I watched and participated in some torturing process. I saw a new born baby-girl but her mother never showed up in my dream. Her father was the only person looking after her and taking care of her since she was an infant. Yet, a taboo topic of her and her father is "mother". She does not know why she has no mother and where her mother is. She asked her dad, but what the feedback was "there should be a better thing we could talk about" or "I have no moods talking about this". Her dad was even trying to avoid the term, "mother" or "my wife". Thus, I do not know whether her mother died in delivery or left them when she was born. The impression of her father is a type of serious and strict person who shows little emotion. He seems to be a scientist who wears white rope but not a medical doctor type of temperament. Therefore, she was brought up in a single parenting and authoritarian environment.
The next scene I saw her was about her teenage life, 16 or 17 years old, maybe. She was in the status of depression and hysteric. Her symptoms as I gathered after reviewing this dream are some extreme reactions and crucial behaviours of harming herself mentally and physically. I had no chance to see the reason but saw her shouting at herself in front of a big mirror. She looked so bad as if she was addicted to drugs. Her red eyes, blues on her arms and legs, untidy dress in her appearance, and unstable panicking emotion and the sense of lost influenced my emotion as a joint entity. What I felt her was full of anxiety, frustration, rage; etc., which are all unpleasant and negative emotion. Withholding her emotions, she walked to her father's study/working room. She attempted to provoke her father and asked again, "where is my mother?", "why she left me?", "I don't understand why I can't see her at any point in my life again?" Obviously, it seems to be a common arguing topic between her father and her; also, she was so insistent to figure out a reason and dig out a bomb as the untouchable vital of her father's forbidden topic.
Then, I saw her dad shouting at her, but the voice and sound switched to mute automatically. Therefore, I find no clue to listen to what he shouted about and what he said. Suddenly, the voice and sound returned and tears covered her face. The swollen eye could not even hide of resentment towards her father. She was in short of breath. She saw the mirror and I could detect her thoughts that she intended to hit the mirror and harm her self to express her rage. The way of revenge towards her father was the first feeling I detected.
The next scene was mixed me and her, or let me describe it again, I turned into be her soul and suffered what she was experiencing. The hatred violence was so strong that I was not able to distinguish whether it was really her or me in such a revulsive situation. She hit the big mirror, broke it and then took a harp piece by cutting her wrist slowly without hesitation. Everything happened in front of her father. She/I had an awful sentiment of mixing with joy and disgust from self-harming malevolence. She/I enjoyed seeing her father's shock and made her revenge.
She was sent to a special hospital (I came off her body) to save her life though being alive is not what she wants for her life at all. Her nerve broke down and totally lost her mind by saying repeatedly, "no, no, no… leave me alone… ". Her behaviour proved her insanity. Her face, body and limbs were bleeding and broken pieces were till inset. She laughed out loud on the way to the hospital. Couple of days later, she became a very quiet and timid person in front of her father but her scalp was in a serious damage --- bald with ugly wounds, rashes and scars. She pulled out her hair by a metal clip or pin, which I can not tell what it is. She still has a thin cluster of hair, which she intended to pull out but unsuccessfully, and she kept digging her hair. I can not bear to see further process of her suffering. Still, the dream was continuing and did not let go me.
The next theme was around 7 or 8 years later. Her behaviour seemed to be normal and appeared to be a lovely lady. I do not know how the hospital or mental centre cured her. She turned out to be a very different person. It should be happy, but I felt even worse. Once again, the feeling I sensed from her was put into a mixed feeling of mine and hers. It is more like a joint soul with two separating minds (Me - observing, and She - acting). She was planning to have another suicide, a tragedy to make people feel regretful of saving her life. The plan partially aimed at torturing her father into a deep torment and making him harrow in the process of her action: self- annihilation.
I did not neither finish this dream totally, nor see through the end of her plan. It was such a dreadful frame of mind to go through a person or myself in the dream. Even worse, the dream made me sleepless again and my body gets more tired than ever. My active brain sometimes could drive me in a crazy spinning mode, operating all the time. I can not even find myself a peaceful moment to have a break in my subconscious world.
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