G4alien's 365 & 1/4 的生活空間

這夢是上週的，花了快一個星期再忙碌的時間抽空記錄下來。對夢有記憶的開始是在一個像是天黑時刻，空氣間瀰漫著濕氣潮味，四周的景色相當的陰暗，知道自己背對是水泥倉庫邊上的一道牆，看到自己打開倉庫退色灰藍的鐵門，門上接榫都是半鏽色，嘰吱的開門聲，不知為何自己開了那扇門，往地下室的方向往下走去，門裡頭的景色都是透過開了門後的月光和一盞昏黃的路燈，半摸黑的沿著牆壁，稍微能辨識能行走的路徑。

到了地下室後，到處堆積了一些化學實驗儀器與鐵架，架上似乎都放了奇奇怪怪的鐵盒，四周都被鐵架給佔據了整個空間，狹隘的天花板吊著一盞似乎隨時都會熄滅的小鎢絲燈泡，地下的房間頂多只能容納三個人站立的空間，整個房間像是幾十年沒整理過，卻是眾多人逗留的空間。狹小的空間裡還有張行軍床，黑灰土黃的顏色遍佈整張床，好像是被人丟棄，或專給流浪漢滯留的去處，骯髒無比的地下空間，讓整個空氣更加稀薄。靠行軍床邊還有張小辦公桌，桌面擺滿了幾箱急救箱，還有一排排的試管與量杯；看起來像是個臨時急救中心，又或是個破舊的化學實驗室。

我看著我自己身著白色的無袖棉衣，站在那邊不知所措的看著四周，突然有個人開了門入內，灰土的臉夾巷是戰亂中的士兵，蓮綠色的軍裝，年近五十的模樣，鬍渣像是幾天沒理，眼神極度疲倦模樣，大聲的對我說起話來；

聲色嚴厲的對我吆喝著說：「快快，時間很緊急，你快點，我們正缺著，快躺下。」

夢裡的我，張開眼所面對的世界從淺溪河底下望上，看到人的腳步經過，水流的漂動與冷卻感讓我打起了冷顫，望上所瞧的人腳底，眼睛一眨也不眨，看著人影晃動，還有眼睛周圍浮動的葉脈、水流線條與斑黃青綠的石頭。一直不知道為什麼自己沒辦法掙脫水底，踏回陸地；接著見著了一個人過來，聽到隔著水聲的一種悉嗦聲響，好似有個人看到水底下瞧人的我，也好似乎她注意到我的存在。

不過匆匆之間，她消失了，不知道是跑走了還是並只是跨過我離開。接著看到的是一群人圍成一圈往水底望去，這下子我肯定是有人看到我了；不過也盡是奇怪，大家看到我的模樣是一陣驚慌失措的表情，彼此之間交接談話，聲音絡繹不絕。而我在水中聽到的聲音又因為水波動影響聲音傳遞，使得聲音含糊不清，透過水企圖聆聽陸上的人說話時，是無法完全辨識說話內容。接著見到有三個人似乎拿了根竹子，往我的方向戳來，由於害怕他們失手戳中我的眼睛，我企圖閉上眼，企圖將手往上抓住竹竿，卻啥也不能動，只是隨著水流往前緩緩的漂流著。

接著手忙腳亂的往水下探的竹竿，似乎碰觸到我的身上，雖然我無法感受真切，但是見到路上人影的反應，似乎是一種歡喜，但是歡喜中也夾雜著尖叫聲，也不知道他們尖叫的意義為何。只覺得竹竿波影響見水面上世界的能見度，只是覺得水波紋路嚴重地干擾望上直視的清楚透徹感，也不知為何，身體似乎有些翻動，我見到河溪邊上橢圓石上得綠藻苔蘚；也見得到幾隻不知名的小魚也滑溜過我身邊，身體對水的感受，是有種冰冰涼涼，不真不切的漂浮感，但是對身外的感受力似乎無法能完全體會，好像冥冥間，自己身軀對身外世界的接觸無法理解有任何的認知與瞭解。

後來我的腳跟被抓住，主要是因為整個視線是順著綠苔滑石，一塊塊的往下沉去，且見到氣泡翻動水內，知道自己身體是被人在水中往上揪住拖向陸地；更怪得是，被拖上陸地後的我，身體對任何物體幾乎沒有任何感覺，就單純的像塊動也不動的死肉，連接觸著地面土壤也無任何被地面碎石卡住，緩緩拖動滑行觸覺的真實感受，只是在視覺上，看著景物一動一鈍地往我身體的反方向移動。

前兩天在夢裡迷了路，又再次到了一個人煙稀少，但是還是有不少屋瓦房舍之處，依稀記得出現在夢裡的景象約是傍晚時刻，大概是天快黑又可見到夕陽的天空，整排房舍都是約日據末民初時刻那般古舊，但似乎是來到了一座空城，偶然間或許見到人影，細看間，人影又消失。

我只記得在那座空城我似乎是與人有約，必須在時間內前往另一去處，可是我一直流連忘返的看著周遭景色，也找不著公車站出發，就耽擱了時間。晃著晃著，就走到雜草叢生處，立著退了漆、蝕了銹的公車立標，字眼已經完全糊了，好像是已經十多年沒有用過的車站，只有立了破舊蝕透站標。旁邊高聳的稻草跟灰煙迷濛的天空，像是即將落入天黑時刻，我在夢裡發冷地等著不知何時會到的公車，甚至也不能確定是否公車路線是否依然執行行駛。

等著等著，打著哆嗦，夢裡不知如何穿了短袖，發冷的身軀幾乎已經放棄等待公車，心理盤算著與人預約的時辰也因為我一時貪戀當地而誤了時辰，心理乾著急也都無法解決問題，倒是自己對自己叨唸不是。像是經過兩三鐘頭的等待，看了天色，徹底黑夜的景色，也已經徹底放棄公車的來臨，此時反而擔心起如何回去自己的世界，心理不停的盤算若被困在此城，我怎找出回家的工具，不停地打算如何回到現實層面。

當下自己望了四方，看著高聳的野草叢生，孤立單影的舊站牌，打算往前走到另一個約定處，即使自己完全不知道路線，也不知道唯一一條公路將帶領我到什麼地方。說時遲，那時快，突然有輛公車飛駛到來，停在我面前；來的是一台相當破舊的鐵片公車，銀白鐵漆補的七零八落，即使相對距離約是自己行走約十個步伐，打量著公車的古舊，眼見著公車上得玻璃也透見一層迂黃的污垢，車子像是被報銷過的台灣野雞車，心理不禁出了質疑，懷疑這當地已經是多年未修補建造任何公共設施，猶如被埋落地底下的死城一般。

這幾天一直掙扎要不要把第三部寫出來，因為回想夢境時，多半是很痛苦，會把腦中交錯的影像如快速翻閱相本，快速閃動瀏覽過，影像裡還會配上許多心情上不可磨滅的情緒與當時的意境，有時候夢境裡帶的背景音樂還會在耳邊繚繞不停。不知道從幾何時，夢裡常常都會帶著奇奇怪怪的音樂，有時候像是電影特效；每做了一場夢，像是看場電影，融入其中、身歷其境，往往到最後卻無法自然脫離。寫到這兒，我還是花了幾天功夫分批寫了第三部。

點閱──第二部：閃避

第三部：視而不見

再次（或者說是最後一次）碰到阿奇是我晚上入睡後的事了，夢中的開始已經不是從農村小徑，而是早先喝茶的屋內，我感覺是獨自作藤椅板凳上，手中握著溫熱的茶碗，一口口沒勁兒的喝著；腦袋繼續回想著上一次碰到阿奇那種冷淡傷人的情景，情緒還是被嵌扣著一股被冷落後，傷感無解的哀怨。腦子不停的想著阿奇的弓到底是在做什麼用的？為什麼我只見弓而不見弦？若要射箭，無絃弓箭怎上箭射發？為什麼阿奇那般的冷淡，也完全不在意那兩位大伯是否真能見到阿奇了。

昨兒夢裡進了艘船，船上像是小型博物館，紀錄著航海員使用的船上空間，見到了已過世的登船人員。剛開始走入這艘船時，並不覺得是艘博物館般的船，只覺得船上得霉味，陳舊的油漆似乎像是久未航行之船，屋角底邊發黃的污垢像是尿漬；身邊碰上兩三位老航海員面無表情經過，卻始終不打招呼。

不知為何，恍恍惚惚的在船上，見到了幾位怪怪的同行者，各各似乎像是識得我，又不怎理睬我；眼裡始終總有點狡詐的眼光，經過時，上下掃描我一番，嘴角夾雜著一抹詭異的微笑。剛入夢進船時，並未覺得這些同行者的怪異，只是單純的想衝到甲板上，往外探去，不知到底自己可以看到什麼樣的光景。走在船上串上各屋子，古怪的屋內安置老讓我迷路，一個房間接著一個房間，上上下下參著霉味，走遍的地方又似乎很陌生；後來船上還有個娛樂室，竟是鬼屋造型，排滿了荒草墓地造型。我轉了門把，開啟了那扇號稱「娛樂室」的船上鬼屋。

鼓起勇氣，踏進了門內，陰森的氣息，讓我不停的在夢裡企圖的想多呵上一口氣，大把大把著像是氣喘般的吸氣，屋內的霉舊酸味，像是阿摩尼亞水，讓我更是想吐又暈眩。走了幾部，覺得這鬼屋刻意造假的讓明眼人一看就是假山假水，可是不知為何，在鬼屋裡走動的人影卻又是那麼真實，光影晃動，越走越冷，還在嘴裡打著哆嗦地念著：「搞這個博物館怎配上了鬼屋主題，冷氣怎開這麼強啊？」突然有個人走到我身後，拍了拍我肩膀，我往後一看，是個六十多歲的大鬍子老伯，穿著海軍白服，帶著帽子，輪廓像是石刻，不過嚴肅的神情倒是令人肅靜，跟我比了比出口，還讓我看了覺得荒唐可笑的「EXIT」的字眼，罩子底下的燈光像是鎢絲快壞的前兆，以不規律的頻率一閃一亮。一時片刻也沒多想，想說可能走到還在建設中的鬼屋娛樂室吧，快步就踏出鬼屋了。一出了EXIT，竟然就到了甲板了，環著鐵桿與木夾板，好不真實，但是甲板並不寬闊，走到甲板中，被外頭的景徹底的陣住了。

點閱──第一部：遇見阿奇／ＡＲＣＨＹ

第二部：閃避

再次進入夢鄉後，我出現的地點是在個接近農村的漆黑的樹林，也可以感覺空氣裡的蕭瑟氣息，獨自一個人趕緊觀看四周，企圖從樹林裡走向有光影與人群的方向。我又回到了農村現場，時間依舊是傍晚時刻，自己依舊不知道身在何處，也不知道知道是否有時間交錯問題，只是覺得又回到了一個很熟悉又很陌生的地方。

進入了一戶人家屋內，不記得其他細節，有記憶的是身邊坐著之前警告我注意生靈（就我是生靈說法，就兩位大叔便是妖魔的幻象）的兩位大叔，三人喝著茶聊是非。從茶杯水中的倒影，我似乎看到了我的顏面，像是個十七八歲的姑娘，沒什麼姣好嬌麗的面容，就像是一個作粗活的短髮或是長髮盤頭的女子。

較年輕四十出頭的大叔，好奇的問：「自你上次之後，還有碰到阿奇嗎？」另一位年長的大叔也加入話局，等著我回答問題。

依舊與過去一樣的入睡，不管如何壓抑控制生活習慣，複雜的夢境總是不停出現，這次做夢沒如過往一般恐懼殺人，也無超高度的殘暴畫面，但是怪異的夢仍就不停。

第一部：遇見阿奇／ＡＲＣＨＹ
第一次在夢境裡看到阿奇是在一個像是鄉下村落地區，看到他覺得很熟稔，不自覺地脫口叫他：「阿奇！」只知道他的名稱是叫阿奇（ＡＲＣＨＹ），卻不知道怎麼寫他的名字，也不知道是中文還是英文。阿奇長得有點混血兒，全身黑色裝束，及肩長黑髮、黑瞳孔、濃眉大眼、深邃的臉孔外加蒼白的皮膚，感覺是久未經日曬下的皮膚，但說起話來卻又是氣力十足，並無啥氣虛疲軟的氣度。

兩個人見面熱絡的閒話家常，說得都是近況；但是口說的近況都是完全跟自個兒本身在現實生活上是毫無關係，談的是農作物收成好壞，還談到穀倉存糧問題，感覺自己像是個農村人家。自己卻覺得阿奇總是會在傍晚時刻，從遠端黑暗的一點走進我的視線，神情語氣上像是戀人般地親密，在態度禮節上卻又是陌生人般距離。

在聊天的結尾時，我問了阿奇他打兒來，阿奇往他身後望去，隨手指了一角，回道：「我從那端進來。」

這幾天接受了Karen的建議，已經減少惡夢的數量與品質，夢境與呈現也不至於像過去般惡劣；但是說完全杜絕沒有也似乎不是一時之間可以就徹底解決。前天的惡夢變得是以歌舞劇也比較幽默詼諧的方式呈現，對入睡的恐懼似乎也逐漸降低，自己也慢慢接受可以提早入睡的習慣，至少是一個好的開端。

前天的夢是一個東歐男子，他在浴室哼著歌，似乎是剛要入浴或是準備入浴；我夢中視覺所能見的景色也不是啥春色無邊，因為霧氣充滿著透明玻璃窗，啥也見不著。只是聽到一個男子哼哼唱唱著歌劇戲曲，斷斷續續，又似乎在浴室裡碰碰跳跳的活潑氣息。那時夢到的環境、背景、音樂怎麼也聯想不到是一場黑色驚駭默劇；夢中的我，似乎是坐在一張椅子看著浴室與聽著人哼歌，感覺是挺悠哉休閒。

夢中的我似乎也在打盹兒，突然間感覺得浴室的霧氣散出，我抬頭望去，一男子下身圍著浴巾似乎要走出浴室；突然間他俏皮的看著我，唱著我聽不懂得歌劇歌詞，單手扶著折好的浴巾且用頭上頂著。他看了我對我眨眨眼，似乎知道我在窺視著他出浴室模樣；這時他左手放開了他頭頂上的浴巾，企圖用舞台劇謝幕的方式來場鞠躬禮。

他掀開了頭頂上折好的浴巾，我卻看不到頭頂，見到的是一顆頭蓋骨完全移除的頭，從眉毛三公分以上的頭蓋骨是平滑切開；他的腦與腦漿還是留在頭頂上，若他真的鞠了躬，我想腦漿必定流出，或甚至腦也會掉落吧。而他的右手是拿著他的另一部份頭蓋骨，對著我紳士般的伸出手臂大大地行了單手鞠躬禮，以眼示意，如一場無聲獨幕默劇，最後單一演員下台一鞠躬，夢境就此落幕。此時我才發覺意識到，這場恐怖場景是以幽默玩笑方式呈現，不禁讓我輕笑出聲來，原來惡夢也是有這麼可愛的滑稽表現方式。

Honestly I was aware of something cross over my left side of body and again shadow showed up and I knew, it’s time to chant the spell again to cast out the unknown spirits and wish them to return their own track. After that, I decided to have a break and had the faith of early bird theory and healthy body. People who know me well understand why I often go to bed after sunrise. I felt like in a vampire style of sleeping pattern for years even when I had a full-time in the law firm. Not only some close friends or new friends were ever shocked by my words of sensing their past or current issue. Whenever I stayed over their place, I could tell either their friends or relative’s name or issues. This kind of the magnetic field sometimes terrified them. Ever before, my brother and I both saw something stopping over my room (in a past private house) and both of us got shocked.

Unlike usual, I went to bed earlier, which is around 1:50 am. I know it is not really considered “early” for others, yet it is really early bed time for me. I think I should not resist going to bed early due to the nightmare problem. I should have some faith to sleep early and I would sleep peacefully like a little baby. However, I wonder whether it is a coincidence or I am doomed to have nightmare torture in the past two decades. Once again, nightmare happened and it woke me up over and over again. I am really sick of this kind of torture.

Anyway, the dream could be treated like a horror or a thrill plot and in a joking way; some say I had a free movie to watch daily whenever it occurs at my bed time. However, if they have this kind of thrill plot dream playing two or three times over night on a daily basis, I wonder whether they could say it in a joking tone. I do not want to sound like a witch or a kind of medium or I should continue to see my therapist to solve the fundamental problem. Unfortunately, whenever I made an appointment, they often say I am just doing fine. The nightmare would go away by time. Yet, five years going by with the counseling courses, nothing really changes.

Yesterday it was a painful dream to wake me up. Oh, I should correct it. The thrill DREAMS woke me up with the pain from my head to my toes as if my skin was really burnt out piece by piece. In the dream, I was a 14 year-old girl who has an older brother aged 16 and a young little sister aged 8 to 10 or so. This teenaged girl, who is me feeling the whole process, was genetically abnormal but the symptom of instability only showed up at teens. She was not the only one who is an abnormal genetically difference but also her limbs. Unluckily, she was the first one revealing all the signs. Her skin turned to be sensitive to the air and the symptoms are tissue-dissolving and bone-melting whenever the skin contacts the air.

Whilst she noticed and sensed the tissue dissolving, I also felt the pain and saw the skin melting into a liquid jelly condition dropping on the ground through her own eyes. That vulnerable feelings and unspoken scare were to the utmost. I saw the tissue and flesh from the wrist to the elbow starting to dissolve little by little as if the skin touched the strong acid and blood with flesh dropped off. Immediately, her mom was around and she was sent to emergency room for a specific and thorough examination. The doctor gave her a special material of suit, which looked like a transparent plastic wrappage, and which is somewhat like spaceman suit to hope this kind of material is able to separate different air density. It was examined that her body is in another form of human flesh density and the flesh would be dissolved when it is exposed in the air.

My brain seems to be very active most of time especially sleeping time. Today I had four weird and vivid dream again. I never know how come I could memorise most of my dreams in one night and sometimes I could even write it down. The second dream was about a Russian old lady who looks like around mid 70s telling me that she is my granny. However, I seemed to understand her language (but I know nothing about Russian in reality). There was a theme song as the story background music whilst she was telling me her plain life in the World War II, yet her short marriage was the only thing that she cherished most. She met her husband, whom she called ‘your grand-dad’. Her marriage was sweet but short due to the war. Her husband was died in one mission and never came back. Two of her kids were adopted instead of her blood-relation. During the time she stated her life, she appeared moody; sometimes showed the anger of frustration, but most of her time appeared solemn and scrupulous. After the story, she lost in her memory for a while and told me that she was going to cook me the home-town roasted meat soup.

While she was away or disappeared, I paid attention to the house decoration. The house I stayed in the dream is a big old house or I should say it was so big to figure out where exactly I located. It was more like a maze but everything looked so tidy. I still could smell the dust in the air and see the sunlight through the old style of coloured-pattern glass. It smelled like an old museum as if no visitors for decades. It was like an unoccupied house apart from a stand at the end of corridor to the stair where telephone was seated. It showed that most of her time spent at the stool waiting telephone rings. I walked upstairs to other rooms and wanted to find out which room was mine, yet I lost in the house. No matter how much I tried to see other rooms, it always end up to be the corner of corridor and the telephone stool location. The only space I could reach was living room with fire place and corridor only.

All the theme song as the background music was somewhat a familiar rhythm but I believe that I never heard of before. It was sung by a group of children chorus or sometimes was a female solo with weeping tone. The lyric of this song seemed to be like the Russian granny’s life background and her past. I only remember one line due to the fear of the voice. ‘Ti------ Ti------- Ti ---------, A Russian girl is getting married in the war.’ The sound ‘Ti’ was like a long crying voice with trembling. The sorrow tone really stirred up my mind and caused of the fear simultaneously due to the taunt crying voice. I couldn’t stop myself shaking and even wanted to shut and stop the song. The view of granny past life was automatically reflected like turning over the photos – black and white, which showed her hard life and the true happiness at her wedding.

Then I woke up with tears and the song hunting in my head. I also noticed that I was the person who whispered the song in the dream. The scaring noise was what I created for myself. I had no idea where this rhythm came from and did not know how this Russian female past life occurred in the dream. I still could recall her face vividly; especially her old hair style, mostly in white hair and only several wisps of grey hair. The revolving images in my mind were so clear and so distinct. Even now, writing on this article and reflecting my dreams cause me gooseflesh. Anyway, may her in peace if this story really occurred before.

這幾天夢境又是回歸到戰亂時代的情節，每次做相關戰亂的夢都是荒野跟枯黃的野草；這次的夢境並沒有過往的屠殺過程，只是改換成以生靈塗炭為主場景的情景。夢境的我是約四十歲的中年婦女，夢境的我是飢餓交寒，相倚逃難的災民與我在草地中翻找可食的根莖類蔬果充飢；夢中的我那付飢寒的惶恐與憤世模樣，讓我不禁震驚那付厭惡自我的求助臉龐，泥濘的身軀與焦黃的臉色，求的只是一頓溫飽。

幾坪大的草叢中，散佈著四、五個難民，挖掘著亂石硬土，企圖翻找出任何可啃咬的食物。挖著挖著，旁邊相依的同袍難民問了我是否挖找到有可嚼的食物；突然間，看到草叢中有砲彈炸碎的人類肉體，塊狀散落四處，我拉長了手探了探是否可拿到散碎的肉塊。不知是幸還是不幸，我抓了一隻炸斷的手肘，從手掌長至手肘關節處；有三隻指頭已被炸斷而不見蹤影，關節也半碎，碎肉半連接著關節處，手腕處混著泥土與燒焦的黑炭部份，夢中似乎還可聞到焦烤的煙硝砲彈味。

手拿的半碎的焦灼的手腕，自己卻是無限欣喜與難過噁心的感覺相參雜。歡喜的是今天還可以靠著他人的屍首繼續存活，且是一大片四散的半焦肉體，還可以與周遭難民一起瓜分；難過的是生命的延存必須靠他人的屍體過活。我拿著半焦灼殘斷的手腕，問著身後的災民同袍：「你要不要先嚼？」看著半焦的手肘，想著還是有熟肉可食，至少不是像野人啃咬生肉，味覺上似乎勉強得過。

把手肘交給身後的難民的同時，心理也擔憂自己是不是下一個會被砲彈炸碎的屍體，是否自己的肉體也會被存活的難民啃咬而得以殘喘過日；當還存有這念頭的同時，自己也慢慢從夢境清醒，煙弰味仍在味覺裡盤繞，尚未散去。即使已不再夢裡尋找生存苟且方式，閉著眼睛還是可以讓自己的腦海盤旋的景象重新浮現，那隻殘斷焦黑的手肘還是握在自己手上。

英文譯者：M C Balfour, 1894
中文譯者：陳祺昀，2006

附上原英文，置於中文翻譯後。

可憐的小山姆！他在農舍裡的一場大火中，因熟睡未能即時警覺而逃離；而在這青澀年紀，他死於火難，這場火將他燃燒成灰燼，或許剩下地只是些許殘渣。

過些時，山姆起了身。他因體內的靈魂覺醒、同時挾帶地震撼，讓他覺得有點兒頭昏眼花，一時之間不習慣沒有實體軀殼的活動，也不知道自己的下一步計畫；且圍繞他在身邊的只有異態、幽靈等不真實的東西，因此，他有點害怕。

Somehow waking up with deep feelings of sorrow and resentful is complex, yet it is how I felt this midnight. I went to bed early tonight due to little sleep yesterday. Quickly I fell into sleep but was waked up by a loud and serious argument from the neighbour downstairs. I have been very upset with the downstairs since the first day of moving in --- shouting and loud music with strong bass. Asking the hall manager to deal with does not have much change.

In the dream, it was like several plots of film that I watched and participated in some torturing process. I saw a new born baby-girl but her mother never showed up in my dream. Her father was the only person looking after her and taking care of her since she was an infant. Yet, a taboo topic of her and her father is "mother". She does not know why she has no mother and where her mother is. She asked her dad, but what the feedback was "there should be a better thing we could talk about" or "I have no moods talking about this". Her dad was even trying to avoid the term, "mother" or "my wife". Thus, I do not know whether her mother died in delivery or left them when she was born. The impression of her father is a type of serious and strict person who shows little emotion. He seems to be a scientist who wears white rope but not a medical doctor type of temperament. Therefore, she was brought up in a single parenting and authoritarian environment.

The next scene I saw her was about her teenage life, 16 or 17 years old, maybe. She was in the status of depression and hysteric. Her symptoms as I gathered after reviewing this dream are some extreme reactions and crucial behaviours of harming herself mentally and physically. I had no chance to see the reason but saw her shouting at herself in front of a big mirror. She looked so bad as if she was addicted to drugs. Her red eyes, blues on her arms and legs, untidy dress in her appearance, and unstable panicking emotion and the sense of lost influenced my emotion as a joint entity. What I felt her was full of anxiety, frustration, rage; etc., which are all unpleasant and negative emotion. Withholding her emotions, she walked to her father's study/working room. She attempted to provoke her father and asked again, "where is my mother?", "why she left me?", "I don't understand why I can't see her at any point in my life again?" Obviously, it seems to be a common arguing topic between her father and her; also, she was so insistent to figure out a reason and dig out a bomb as the untouchable vital of her father's forbidden topic.

Then, I saw her dad shouting at her, but the voice and sound switched to mute automatically. Therefore, I find no clue to listen to what he shouted about and what he said. Suddenly, the voice and sound returned and tears covered her face. The swollen eye could not even hide of resentment towards her father. She was in short of breath. She saw the mirror and I could detect her thoughts that she intended to hit the mirror and harm her self to express her rage. The way of revenge towards her father was the first feeling I detected.

Well, it is another dream of an attempted suicide yesterday. I was a woman in a black veil covering myself all. The appearance of mine in the dream was in dark brown long hair and green eyes. That is all I can tell through the reflection of the lamp glass. It was like a deep and long hall way in the underground where I do not know where I am really located. I saw different kind of people walking pass me in a solemn countenance, and looking at me apathetically. The passenger were wearing some tattoo style mask and appeared in an insentient attitude as if I were the intruder.

I do not know what I was looking for but I had an image of a crying and mournful man (aged around late 20s) occupied in my head. I do not know the person and do now know why he was in the underground locked in a stone cell. He was fastened with a chain to the wall in a kneeling position. He was full of tears and blood on his face. The cell was so dark but I could see him in dusty and rent clothes through the twilight of the old fashion oil lamp. He looks so fragile and lifeless. The surroundings were so silent and so cold. I could barely sense any living creature ever got out of the cell. I tried to walk to him and would like to look him in a close distance. I noticed that he was also chained in a straw rope on his neck hanging to the wall.

Suddenly, he lifted up his head with a very sorrow look and stared at me steadily. I didn't see the anger from his eyes but love, a kind of begging gaze toward to my face firmly. I felt I knew him before but I can not recognise who he is exactly. The feeling I have towards him was so familiar and so alien at the same time. I have no idea who he is exactly even I was trying so hard to recall my memory of his face. Still, I found no clue to discern who he is and why he is there. I felt so depressed, sad and almost cried because I can not bear to imagine the torture he has been through, mentally and physically.

Yesterday I had a difficult sleep. The sleeping quality is quite bad and woke up with unusual fear. My mind was occupied with the view in the dream and the reality. I couldn't tell the reality and was difficult to distinguish the location where I really exist. The dreadful feelings made my heart pounding with fright. I seemed to be in somniloquy but I was not sure whom I was talking to. The fear was from a war aura and I heard the scream from an aged 30-40 years old woman shouting out her kids to hide in a bomb shelter.

The place was bombarded with fire ball and the explosion was thunderous with overnight air raids. The crowd stampeded and many were crushed or trampled by other running refugees. I felt trapped to get out of the scene from nowhere and heard of a plaintive wail and trembling cry out loud for help. Then I woke up with shivering and listen attentively of the sound outside. The night buses and the patrol helicopters caused my deep fear of the war, yet there is no war but my fear from the dream. Then I fell into sleep again but the scene of the war was in ruins and it resumed.

The woman who I just dreamed about shouting at me as if I were her kid, "get in the shelter, get in now!!! Help your sister and brother!!! Don't look back." I didn't know what has had happened and was bewildered, felt like a kid was awaken from the dream without knowing anything happened. I looked down and saw myself wearing white gown with an old fashion bow on the neck. I was in bare feet running to the ground and felt the muddy soil beneath the feet in the darkness. I was in a shock of the fire and could even smell the fire and ashes everywhere.

I tried to find the shelter as the woman spoke to me, but there was nothing. The surrounding was full of burning brick, bushes, and the remains. Suddenly the darkness embraced me and I felt dropped into a hole, waking up and said, "Where is the shelter? It's a war now and I should inform my parents."

I dream that I witnessed the assassin project at the border of China and India. The assassin location was arranged in the building for receiving important people as an international hall for social engagement. I seemed to be part of the project but not the main assassinator to execute the murdering action: a counterforce leader. However, I was the ally to assist the connection of each assassinator. My role in the hall was a waiter. (I do not have my identity choice in the dream. Most of time, I am not who I am but just part of the role I should play.) My responsibility was to check the security guards’ action and report each assassinatvor for a better move.

However, I was not a smarter spy in the dream but made mistakes to expose the project and had several allies killed by a submachine gun. I was panic and tried to rescue the rest allies and made up the fault I could do, yet the hall was all blocked and we only could move to the roof. Meanwhile, my allies and I were separated and I couldn’t tell who my allies are and who are not. I was looking around and accidentally bumped into a ball room seeing the light on the ceiling with sparkling I was bit overwhelming by the colourful light and the music. Suddenly some one pushed me and I fell and this accident fall did not have the hall paused and every couple keeps dancing and turning around. I saw the light spotting on several couples’ faces who were gyrating like a whirlpool; at the meantime, the music kept revolving in my mind and I was humming as if I was so familiar with the melody.

The next scene was me pulled out of the room and the security soldiers were bowling at me to identify myself and yelling me how I could ever entre the private venue without the highness invitation. I could not find my tongue and was so dumb to find a persuasive statement, and I remain silent. At the moment, a troop of soldiers or mercenaries running up stair and commending everyone to trace the betrayer or should say assassinator. My true spy identity was not exposed and I ran with the troop and got out of the building successfully. After the panicking incident and shocking event, I ran directly to the refugees’ truck and felt so thirsty as if I were going to die in the dissert.

As usual, nightmare is like my daily tour and is evitable, no matter whether I'd like to have or not. I often taunt myself as a haunted person. My friends know that I have been suffering from nightmare issues, which take place over a decade. Sometimes I wrote down my nightmare as a play script, and sometimes I wrote it down as a kind of prophecy, which is related to people I am familiar with. I hardly dream of friends or relatives. Most of faces I met in my dreams are strangers or the dead who do not have a whole or complete body structure. The dead in the dream I met are often have rotten parts, which seem to be the fetal injure or the cause of the death.

I try to avoid having dreams or reduce my brain activity before sleeping. I manage to escape scary or thrill films in case that those bloody images and cruel killing styles impact in my brain. I also take vitamin B-complex to ease my nerve and reduce the chance of having my brain over active. However, these methods seem ineffectual and ineffective. I also adjust my sleeping pattern and sleeping hours to decrease dreaming possibility. Sometimes sleeping pattern may successfully suppress the frequency level of having dreams, yet it is only temporary. Afterwards, I need to find another method to avoid dreaming or having nightmares.

In one of my dream, there was a male voice telling me why I have been dreaming of nightmares: killing, execution, dead return, slaughter, war, torturing or accidental events. The answer from him is superstitious－I am able to hear the voice. (I would not have a thought of “the chosen one” theory, which sounds like a doomed destiny or a sacred responsibility, and I am not the type of karmic person.) In another words, I am haunted by these nightmares and story narrators. My dream elements are often composed of a narrator, lines and an occasional song. Also, I am not the major role involving in the dream plot, but participate it as an outsider looking at how issue occurs and what is the consequence. Also, every role of my dream has their name, which is regardless of ethnic, cultural, language issue or even the difference between the living and the dead. Some language I could understand and some I can’t. Some English I do not know and may wake up to look into the dictionary to find out what it means.

Last night, I had a strange dream, with hundreds of faces and people (the living and dead one) I didn't meet before, and who are strangers (European and mixed white/Japanese face). Also, I saw dead bodies, which are literal－dead blocks and not the ghost or zombie. The scene is like over 50 dead female bodies/remains that were treated as flat tire throwing away and piling up in dumping ground. The theme song was sung by a man, whom I assume as the narrator of this dream and the lines is as utterance talking to me. The lines of song describe a funny venture with joking tone incorporating with a killing and slaughter theme in a slow move.

一個背對著我的女人身上披掛著是另一張臉；一個十歲孩童的臉。一副不含眼珠的空洞眼框，眼框內是那麼地黑，深不見底。眼尾朝上似乎在微笑，我瞬間騰空拉後遠望著這位背對我長髮披肩的女子，背上所掛著孩童是在微笑，微笑的臉呈現地是位三十歲女子滄桑卻帶著算計的微笑，咧嘴的下的牙齒也俱無，嘴內無牙，列嘴只顯牙齦之下，亦是深黑一片；笑的令人發顫，寒毛豎立，而我就在這驚恐的微笑下驚醒。

每個人都不愛發噩夢，我夜夜噩夢連連，雖猶如家常便飯，還是無法習以為常；尤其每日發噩夢似乎跟定我有十多年了，真不知道發噩夢算不算是一種生活習慣。每場夢境都像是部電影，即使驚醒後，噩夢殘影揮之不去，且歷歷在現在我腦海中；猶如參與一場驚悚紀錄片，內容往往與虐待殘殺的殘暴過程脫不了關係。屍體肢解算是必有的場景，腸肚分離可說是基本必備情節，令人發顫的是將人活生生肢解肉體；惶恐無助的哭喊聲或是倉皇的尖叫聲已完全被驚嚇過度身體虛軟而取代，更令人痛苦的是，無法轉開視線且被迫接受觀看整個切開、劃開、剪開一具具活生生肉體的場景。

在夢中，我的角色往往與男女主角似乎是沒有太多關聯；而我像是一個在場觀看無助的小角色，或是被選中執行的操刀者，強迫執行肢解的過程。即使再多的不願，我也被迫接受肢解的過程；也驚惶下一個受難者是我。

昨夜的夢裡，為了逃難，夢中的我看一個腦滿肥長的中年男子被玻璃狠狠劃破腸肚，中分軀體；其中，腸子混著濃厚的血，翻開的暗黃色脂肪攪和著排泄物橫流四竄，從卡車顛覆下滴落到地上。被劃破的上半身遭受卡車輾過，而下半身還留在破碎的玻璃中，但腸子還連接著上下身體，在肉體遭受衝擊分離後還一抖一抖的接連兩部分離的軀幹；連結的腸肚似乎企圖展現不想分離的兩塊大肉塊。而屍體的腳底因拖過玻璃碎片，只見到碎肉片連結著腳跟，而腳骨也在高度摩擦割碎後顯現出灰白帶血的肉骨。

這場景以過去的夢境相比，應該算是比較輕鬆的場面；因為夢中我不是直接受害者，只是個觀看者；可選擇性的觀看場面，至少不是被迫強制接受整個無人性的殘虐過程。